We tried to be friends and I thought I could handle it. We even spent time together twice. That was before you found someone new. Now the wounds feel just as fresh as the day they were inflicted. I don’t want to know about her. Is she prettier, is she smarter, does she reach you in a way I couldn’t? So many questions that I don’t really want the answers to. My self flagellation is painful enough.
I dreamed last night, when I found out there was a “her”, that you both moved into the apartment above mine. You sat on the patio having one of those intimate relaxing moments we used to share. I hovered in the air just beyond the railing. I wept and I screamed but you didn’t hear me. I was a ghost to you, aether, a breeze. Nothing to pull you from what you had.
The thing is I know it’s absurd. I’ve gone on dates since we parted. I met a man who has the potential to be something. The wall he has to hurdle though is high and sturdy. I can’t bear to give him what I gave you, show him what I showed you. I don’t have the strength to be vulnerable.
So a ghost I remain to both of you in the hopes that eventually I will have the ability to become something more substantial.
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This particular quote has had me thinking. About this past relationship, my marriage, and future relationships I may begin. It makes me question, what is it that I hold sacred in a relationship? What exactly am I looking for?
Trust. Such a difficult thing to give and so easy to break. Once broken, never simple to repair. To be able to trust that the parts of us that I hold dear, you will too. To be able to trust when my back is turned, the “next best thing” won’t draw you away. To trust that our morals and standards of behavior are similar, understood and respected. To not lie awake at 3:00 a.m. waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Intimacy. Not just physical, though that is important, but emotional. To be able to be comfortable enough to give myself emotionally to another, to open up and be able to share and receive the same in return. It’s so difficult when a relationship becomes unequal, when you give so much of yourself only to constantly beat against another person’s walls which never come down.
Which again boils down to trust. So fragile. So important. Sacred and worth so much. I want to be able to trust, to cherish someone and feel cherished. To feel like what we’re building, what we are and have yet to become matters. More than careers, more than money, more than the latest and greatest shiny contraption that rolls off the conveyor supposedly built to bring people closer together but ends up making them more isolated.
I feel tired and emotionally drained. I feel like this person I’m looking for and hoping to meet just doesn’t exist.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged blues, Dating, journal, longing, love, personal, Relationships, restless, thinking | Leave a Comment »
Summer: I just… I just woke up one day and I knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: …What I was never sure of with you.
I’m not sure I can live with what you’re offering. I love you but I’m not sure that this is it. I’m not sure if I should give up. I’m not sure about a lot of things.
I feel like you’re pursuing me more than being my friend. I don’t know how to tell you to back off and not hurt your feelings.
You could have been a jerk about all this. You could revel in my misery while you have your happiness. Instead you’ve been a friend and so has she. You have no idea what that means to me.
As I grow stronger, my willpower is weaker. Maybe it’s just the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on. I don’t eat to nourish as much as to comfort. I need to stop that.
On the same token I’m having a hard time finding inspiration. Certainly to be a fitter, healthier me, but when I look to other women in the fitness industry I see so much fakeness – tans, hair, boobs. Its not what I want. I don’t know where to look to find otherwise.
I feel like I need a vacation. Not just a weekend but longer. Sadly, now is not the time.
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So much bottled up hurt. Despite talking and trying to be friends, I don’t know that we can ever truly go back. It’s painful and stressful. I don’t eat or sleep well. Would have, could have, imagined conversations eat at my mind and invade my dreams. The insecurities and personal flogging that I’d buried somehow always managed to rise when we spoke. Not pretty enough, not good enough. If I was our relationship would be normal. But it wasn’t. No matter how much blame you accept, I still feel like in some way I failed.
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It’s over. Again it’s over. I tried. I believe he tried. As much as he could. I can’t put into words how much this hurts. No matter how much caution my brain told me to use, my heart loved him with abandon. I see him everywhere I look. I read, I watch tv, I listen to music, I keep wanting to turn and see him there. Share these things. Talk to him. I stare at my phone because I can’t. Talking to him makes my chest constrict. I can’t breathe. I close my eyes and he’s there. His laugh, his voice, his eyes. The easy way he would pull me close. I still feel him around me. The comfort of my head on his chest. The smell of his skin. I want to be numb.
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How do you learn to trust again? It’s a question I find I ask myself fairly often as of late. Part of me wants to greet with arms outstretched. To take the leap of faith that this time it will be better, that the chance, the risk is worth taking. I feel the happiness and the easy comfort in his presence, but I can’t forget. I have a memory like an elephant.
Even taking a break, to visit a friend, find some peace, some space to center myself, I saw him everywhere I went. In a funny thing I wanted to share, in the fishermen on the pier, in the boats on the horizon. There is no escaping the sentiments, the thoughts that swirl just beneath the surface.
But can I trust? I want to believe this time will be different. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone gets scared. But he broke my heart and the pain was great. Every time I think about it, I feel conflicted and tired. My brain at war with my heart.
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I sit here and stare at the door knowing you’ll never walk through again. I left your place with a handful of things but I think I left my heart somewhere in your room. We laid together and held so tight knowing we had to let go. My head knows its over but my arms don’t want to forget how right it feels to be wrapped around you pressed so close we’re no longer two. We can’t go back but I can’t forget the way you look when you’re sleeping, the smell of your skin, the way you fit so well snuggled up behind me. I hear the echo of your laugh and the soft sleepy grumble of your voice. I want to go back to walking with you hand in hand, let your thumb rest over mine. You always liked that.
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