I dreamed last night that I was running, or at least trying to run. It felt more like slogging through hip deep mud. As I kept running I thought, “Why can’t I do this?” I look at my legs, the ground, and see no real reason why I can’t run freely.
I thought about this as I woke up a short time later and considered that maybe my brain was trying to tell me something. I have been feeling stuck lately. Stuck in my job, some of my relationships. I’ve been uncertain about school and if I’m really pursuing my purpose. Maybe my dream was trying to tell me that nothing was holding me back from making changes, no outside force anyway. Maybe what is holding me back, is me, my preconceived notions of how things are “supposed to be”.
I’ve been listening to a podcast on my way to work and following a few different accounts on Instagram. All of these things have been challenging my habits and points of view. It’s easy to fall into a routine and a belive that we have to live up to the status quo. Do we though?
For all intents and purposes I have a good life, an average life. I have a good job, a decent rental to live in, a healthy family. To be honest though, I also live paycheck to paycheck. I have a fair amount of debt. I’m overly stressed at my job and come home to my kids exhausted. I find myself asking on a regular basis, “Is this really all there is?” When you fall asleep after dinner while relaxing with your kids on a regular basis and your 11-year-old tells you, “Mom, you’re always so tired and stressed out. You need a vacation,” you know something has to change.
So this is my story, my journey. I’ll be setting goals and documenting my successes and failures. One of my goals is to get back into writing. I’ve set a reminder in my calendar to start writing 3x a week for at least 20-30 minutes, just to build the habit. You can’t be a writer if you don’t write. There will likely be some results of that here too. Some with be good, some utter nonsense, but ever step, every word, brings me closer to being better. Every practice, every time I try will bring more growth and isn’t that what matters?